Maybe it is time to move on…

When you try your best, but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep

Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Fix You – Coldplay

When we get hurt, when things happen that just don’t bode all that well with our existence, very few of us feel content in completely letting go until we’ve had closure.  From the friend who talked about you in school, the family member who didn’t consider your worth, the ex-partner whom despite you giving them the entire world threw it back in your face, or the person you thought-you-knew-better who turned on you when things weren’t going their way. Or, maybe it was you doing the hurting – maybe your bitter tongue got the better of you and you said something to or about someone that you shouldn’t have? We’ve all been there thought, haven’t we? So how do we get closure? Do we talk to them, continually bring up the past, and have your fingers and toes crossed for an apology? Or do you just sit there and wait, wondering whether there is an apology or an ‘I forgive you’ but not being especially proactive about the whole business…

How about – and consider this for a second, please – we just let go.

Nice and simple. Nice and easy. Not quite as pain-free as you’d hope, but certainly better than rattling the snake’s cage and opening up a new can of worms. It might not give you the answers you want or even deserve, but it’s a damn sight better and healthier from your perspective and theirs as well.

In hindsight, whenever I have gone about looking for answers – from the boys who broke my heart, from the girl who shared a similar story – it has always ended up with more tears than frankly required! Maybe it’s time to listen to Buddha: “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”

Okay, so you’ve taken the plunge, you’ve popped all of your people-worries onto little slips of paper and you’ve burnt them to ashes, you’ve tried to cleanse your karma, and you’ve tried to right the wrongs (in your head might I add, remember that sometimes bringing up the past just causes more harm than good!) so now where do you stand? You’ve obtained the hypothetical apology/forgiveness that you so dearly wanted, but you need to take a little bit of a step back, look at yourself long and hard in the mirror and ask yourself a question… “Do I forgive myself?”

Forgiving ourselves is a difficult process, I should know – I’m still trying to get there myself. Sometimes we do and say things entirely out of character and we just can’t explain why. Self-loathing is a dangerous and slippery slope, and I honestly believe that a lot of it has to do without obsession with the past. We are so fixated wanting to be the same person as we were years ago without really letting ourselves flourish as we experience life’s exciting highs and horrific lows. Maybe it’s time to shrug off the ‘old you’ and embrace with open arms this new and improved version. As Lao Tzu said, “when I let go of what I am, I become what I might be”.

Looking back on my life, although I’ve only experienced twenty-two years of this and most of that has been spent in full-time education (oh the joys), I’ve spent a large proportion in the past, precisely where I do not want to be. Where no one should want to be. The thing is, life throws so many obstacles at us and whilst our reaction in that instance is important, it doesn’t mean that days, months, or years after the event we should scrutinise our decisions. It doesn’t matter whether it was the right or wrong one because it’s in the past and you can’t change it. It doesn’t stop it from hurting, of course not, but it shouldn’t then hinder the rest of your life.

So, in true Lion King fashion (I have just seen it at the theatre after all) – hakuna matata – no worries. Take a big deep breath, take a final look at your reflection (give yourself a cheeky smile – it works wonders), pop on those killer heels, slick on your favourite red lipstick and grab your bag. It’s time to move on.

With love..Xx

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”

Probably one of the most influential quotes by Eleanor Roosevelt, it has been stapled into my mind since I first heard it sometime when I was in college. I have always been that girl who seriously lacked self-esteem or was constantly reminded that I had a negative outlook on life. I guess in some ways I’m still that girl but I try as hard as I can to drive my head out of that mindset.

Relating back to the quote, I can remember being told that you shouldn’t listen to what people say about you (whether to your face or behind your back) because only you can decide how it shapes you as a person. It’s all easy enough to say this but for someone who’s lacking in confidence in can be easy to absorb it in and take offence to the snide comments of those individuals. What we all need to do (and I should really take my own advice) is to shake it off and push it aside. That person’s opinion doesn’t matter and, nine times out of ten it stems from jealousy.

Why are people the way they are? There are certain people that you’ll come across in life that, from an outsider, appear whiter than white. Then you get to know them and you see that they are incredibly devious and manipulative. They will spread vicious lies about others to make them look the victim, to make you feel for them, but they will use it against you. By always playing this victim, pointing out what other people have said or done, they somehow manage to get who they want, when they want, and at whatever cost. This ‘new attitude’ that I’m trying to adopt means that I need to see behind this and try to understand why people do this. I honestly don’t want to blame them, but hiding behind this façade is so dangerous for the well being of both themselves and the loved ones around them.

I find these people to be very clever. Are they doing this to seek revenge from someone? What happens when they’re so bitter that the insults start flying, not about you but about them? What happens when you begin to relate to what they’re saying? You’re head begins to whirl around with questions: Do I do that? Is that what I’m like? They’ve sussed that your lack of self-esteem is the chink in your armour and they begin to hammer it until there’s nothing left.

You can’t let this happen. Don’t build up the walls so tall that you don’t let anybody in, that’s not especially healthy either, but don’t stand for anything you aren’t happy with. I made a big mistake in not walking away, not voicing my opinion, and actually succumbing to the vileness that surrounded me. Instead I joined in yet all the while I was being hurt by the comments and there was nothing I could do. I was quite literally giving that person permission to hurt me, and that’s where we can’t fall down, that’s where we stand tall, and that’s where we face nastiness with a smile (and a bit of lipstick!) and show them who’s boss.

With love, Xx